Out of the Past

Days ago, I had a random dream about someone from my past. To put it less dramatically, I dreamed of my old highschool crush who I didn’t even share a single conversation with ever. I don’t even know what his speaking voice sounds like. He was the front man of a screamo band and I watched his band perform a few times; that’s how I came to be so crazy about him. I remember being so into him that it might have actually physically hurt. I also remember deciding that I was in love with him—or whatever constitutes as love, according to a 14-year-old.

The dream was so random and surprising because I haven’t even thought of the guy in 12 years! And yeah, it’s been 12 years already and we just keep getting older. I haven’t thought of him for that long-except maybe once in 2006 when I started listening to The Strokes and I thought that he looks like Julian Casablancas. The dream left me perplexed the whole morning because I was thinking, aren’t dreams supposed to be extensions of our subconscious minds or something? How could my old highschool crush be in my subconscious when I have basically forgotten all about him?

As most dreams go, they’re usually forgotten as the day wears on. But since I was a very unproductive person that day, I had nothing else to do. So it was probably the reason why the dream kept nagging at my brain the whole day like an annoying bit of food stuck between my teeth. Then I realized, it wasn’t just the randomness of it. It was because seeing that person (albeit only in a fleeting moment in my weird subconscious brain), I somehow felt 14 again. 14 and still capable of feeling intense adolescent emotions. 14 and still so very unaware of a lot of things.

I think I wasn’t 14 anymore in this pic but gosh this picture…
Awkward years

Eventually, I moved on from that guy. I really wouldn’t go into detail about it anymore, but he did inspire me to write a Taylor Swift-esque poem with lines that go like: “It’s too late to say what’s in my heart/It’s too late guess you and her could never be apart/I have no choice but to say goodbye to the things we never had”.

After I got over what I thought then was a passionate love, I then moved on to another crush until I eventually forgot all about him. Then I started to feel intense feelings for yet another boy. Basically, my teenage years until the age of 17 were just a seemingly endless cycle of of boys and crushes. But no matter how my crazy 14-year-old brain processed it, I’m pretty sure life then wasn’t all about my stupid crushes. I think me dreaming about a random thing from my past is my brain manifesting my recent anxieties. My current work is near my hometown and I’ve been feeling a little bit down and unsure about going back home. Because that officially makes me The Girl Who Never Left. And I’ve always thought I’d leave. I was thinking that I’d be going backwards if I stayed, that I won’t be getting out of my comfort zone enough.

But having that throwback dream made me think back to how I was then. A LOT has happened between 2004 and now. I learned things, met people, met who I hope is the one, been to places, and did exciting and new things. I’ve been living my life. So maybe I went back home (maybe for a while at least). But it doesn’t mean that I won’t be moving forward.

Naturally, I looked up my old crush on Facebook. Geographically speaking, he hasn’t done  much moving too. But he has a kid now, and he had her pretty early in life. Maybe I did go overboard with the “Let’s just see what he’s been up to all these years”. But in my defense, we have mutual friends and he should really consider making his profile a bit more private. I have no idea how to compare the him back then and the him today. I didn’t really know the guy. It was one of those things we never had.


One thought on “Out of the Past

  1. Pingback: It’s A Love Story – Strange Little Girl

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